Walking through the desert...

I used to be on fire for God. I say used to be because I haven't been for probably close to 2 years now. For months it's been excuse after excuse as to why I couldn't get to church on Sunday's...too tired...had to finish up homework...went out of town. The longer I didn't go the easier it became to not go at all. When I started back in college in May 2005, I felt that I had to give up being in choir because I wouldn't have the time to devote to it. For the first six months of school, that was true. I had a very difficult time keeping my head above water. Then in October 2006 I started a new job that came with a, somewhat, crazy work schedule. So I gave up being the supervisor in the Toddler room. Once I gave up working in the Toddler room, that was it for me. I'm pretty sure that up until 3 Sunday's ago, I could count on one hand how many services I had attended since the end of October last year.

I started a new job at the beginning of July that has normal work hours. Once all my friends found out about that, they all wanted to know when they were going to see me in church again. My cousin's had been asking me also. And so had God. I finally relented and went back 3 Sunday's ago. Talk about ripping off a band-aid! That first Sunday was rough, but I maintained my composure. Last Sunday was rough, I didn't maintain my composure. This Sunday...today...was by far the hardest day I've had in years. And, no, I didn't maintain my composure. Not only did I lose complete control, I broke out into ugly cry during Communion!

God is taking me through my desert right now, making me face myself and my transgressions. I know He will bring me through it...I know this is my head. My heart tells me otherwise. My heart tells me that I don't deserve to be loved by anyone, especially God. My heart tells me that I don't deserve forgiveness from anyone, especially God. I will be the first one to tell you that I don't know who the person is in the mirror staring back me. She is someone that I swore I would never become, and yet, I did.

Last night, someone loved me enough to confront me. They allowed God to work through them and to speak through them. It was very powerful for both of us. I was allowed to cry. I was prayed with and prayed over. I became a very broken person last night and let out a lot of emotion and anger. I know that I am not the same person today that I was when I woke up yesterday morning. I know that I won't be the same person tomorrow morning that I was when I woke up this morning. I know that soon enough, I will start to see foothills instead of just desert and that my shoulders won't feel as heavy from the burdens that I have been carrying.

To my wonderful friend...thank you for allowing God to speak through you and for loving me enough to confront me!

As we were sitting there last night, God put a special song on my heart. It was Take You Back by Jeremy Camp...

Take You Back

The reason why I stand
The answer lies in you
You hung to make me strong
Though my praise was few
When I fall and bring your name down

But I have found in you
A heart that pleads forgiveness
Replacing all these thoughts
Of painful memories
But I know
That your response will always be

(Chorus)
I'll take you back always
And even when your fight is over now
Even when your fight is over now
I'll take you back always
And even when the pain is coming through
Even when the pain is coming through
I'll take you back

You satisfy this cry
Of what I'm looking for
And I take all I can
And lay it down
Before the throne of endless grace, now
That radiates what's true

I'm in the only place
That erases all these faults
That have overtaken me
But I know
That your response will always be

(Repeat Chorus)

I can only speak
With a grateful heart
As I'm pierced by this gift
Of your love

I will always bring an offering
I can never thank you enough

You'll take me back always
And even when my fight is over now
Even when my fight is over now
You'll take me back always
And even when my pain is coming through
Even when my pain is coming through
You'll take me back always

Even when my fight is over now
Even when my fight is over now

You'll take me back always

Even when my pain is coming through
Even when my pain is coming through

You'll take me back